When perception is deception

“Jill” and I were having coffee at Peet’s in a San Mateo subdivision where everything we needed seemed to be within walking distance. I particularly enjoyed this coffee joint, not just for my decaf oat milk latte but also for the international flavor of people- colors, accents, clothes - and the pet dogs that accompany these guests. After sniffing the aroma of her cappuccino coffee, Jill savored her first drink, rolled her eyes, cleared her airway, and shared “I have had the most exhilarating experience of becoming alive”. I felt my ear lobes twitch ready to hear what she had to say. She paused for another sip of coffee, cleared her throat again and continued, “I agreed to attend a free dance class with “Jesse” last week even though I could feel the butterflies and tightness in my belly and my body stiffening up. I recall being told at a dance class years ago that I had two left feet and to this day when anybody mentions dancing or dance classes, my two left feet show up in panic and I freeze. I am clueless why I agreed to attend. I wanted to overcome my anxiety that was really keeping me from having fun. So, I chose to tell everyone who invited me to dance that I had two left feet and towards the end of the evening, I found myself dropping the story and even told Jessie that I had a good time.” ….. “How did that happen?”, she queried. While Jill misperceived that she was a “bad” dancer, she was able to break through her fears, let go of judging herself and allow fun in. She could enjoy dancing despite her two left feet.

I chuckled as I felt Jill was reliving my experience in dancing during my younger days. Forced to be ambidextrous when my natural preference was a lefty, I often had to relate to my left and right; that moment of pause can be frustrating sometimes. So, when I took dance lessons, I felt I had two left feet. It was embarrassing at the beginning of each lesson. My mind chatter could not stop, “are you dumb’ how many times do I have to tell you it is right?” “And why are you so stiff?” I was not having fun at all. I wanted to quit when a dear friend, “Maxine”, a coach in human potential, suggested that I be open and inform the instructor what my challenges were. I took her advice and immediately felt relief; the corset of tension fell off my torso. It was as if I had been holding my pregnant belly in, not wanting to let friends know until the pregnancy was further along. Vulnerably sharing my frustration relieved the anxiety that kept me from learning and enjoying the dance. I had a judgment that I was not good enough which was holding me back to fully be myself. I gradually learned to laugh at my two left feet when they showed up and experienced more ease and joy in the dance classes. I also became aware that my misperception of not being good enough not only operated in the dance classes but permeated other areas of my life.

While the examples above were about misperception of ourselves, I want to share an example of misperception of others. “Oke” brought her eleven-year-old son, “Tutu”, for a well child exam. She wanted more information about how to be a better parent and “controlling” preadolescent misbehavior. During our conversation, she shared an encounter she had with a father with two young boys, about ages 8 and 5 in the toy store, Toys R Us. The two boys were misbehaving, fighting with each other, throwing a toy that they had in the possession and in essence creating a ruckus in the store. She walked towards the father and blurted out “you need to control your kids better. Their behavior is unacceptable”. The father was taken aback. He calmly replied, “Thank you, Mam. I just want you to know that their mother died unexpectedly 10 weeks ago”. Oke felt like evaporating into thin air. She apologized for her rude admonition of his and his kids’ behavior. She realized she was quick to judge the father and the kids, without any understanding of what was going on in their world. “That encounter changed me forever. I reacted. I judged him as not being a good father, not controlling his kids. I was coming from my own limited perception”. I was speechless, blown away by her insight. I finally broke the silence, “I am deeply touched. We are quick to judge ourselves and others. As parents, we often operate from the perception that we are not good enough and we can always do better. We then project our fears on to others. My sense is that parents generally do the best they can within the confines of what they know. Being a good parent has little to do with how your son behaves but more about being the love that you are and loving him irrespective of his behavior”.

So why do we habitually judge ourselves and others? Why do we come across as being so sure that our perceptions are correct and sometimes fight tooth and nail to hold onto our point of view? My sense is that we operate in a world where separation, duality and right/wrong are the cultural norms. We are not in a habit to seek understanding and connect first with ourselves and then others. Growing up, I accepted beliefs handed down from my family and created my own fears and misperceptions from traumatic experiences. Some of these include “I don’t matter. There is scarcity”. I misperceived myself for not being good enough; it was the colored lenses I viewed my world, the distortion that drove me to seek perfection and kept me from being okay with being me. It is an ongoing journey, a slow glacial melt, to embrace these misperceptions with patience, kindness, compassion, and humor. Whenever I catch myself with a clenched jaw or tight belly, rigidly opinionated or wanting to defend my position, I ask myself silently “Are you sure?”, a phrase I learned from Zen Master, Thich Nhat Hanh. It helps me let go of my knee jerk judgment so that I can listen to myself and others with openness. The genuine receiving of another can bring about understanding, respect and a more enriching relationship.

Friends, what perceptions are you operating from that are dis-harmonizing to you? We know we cannot change another person or a situation, but we can start to recognize our perceptions and change our lenses through which we view them. Allow for a little humor, a misstep, two steps forward and one back. We allow ourselves to mourn and humor our misstep, moving towards wholeness, not perfection. Please share with us your experience and how you have come to melt your misperceptions bit by bit. If you like this blog, click “like”, and share it with your circle of friends.

With love,

Dr. Nellie